How to be a Conversation Bore …for dummies

You are supremely entertaining. Well-read. Funny. A regular laugh riot. But the problem is nobody appreciates it or even worse, knows about it! What to do? Simple. Follow this 10 step guide to hijacking a conversation and establishing yourself as the Alpha-bore. Nobody can out-talk you ever after this!

  1. Office is great place to practice technique. Use the lunch table, shared work areas and other situations where listeners are physically trapped. Find something that the crowd is clearly not interested in, and more importantly won’t have anything to say. Start with something mundane about your life, like your irritating room-mate, your feelings, spouse, somebody’s weird dressing sense, your feelings, diaper brands, your feelings, maternity leaves, poop color, feminism and did I forget to mention…your feelings.
  2. Crack a joke, and laugh at it uproariously yourself, especially if no-one else finds it funny. When someone else cracks a joke, make sure you laugh at it too, especially if it is a bad joke. If you support each other this way, the overall quality of humor will hopefully hit rock bottom, and people will really have nothing to compare it with anyway.  Wins for everyone!
  3. At Parties – Alcohol is a great tool in the conversational bore-kit. And alcoholics, the best teachers. In fact, research shows that most successful debaters pick their skills at the drinking table. Get argumentative, emotional, make up statistics on the fly, repeat points, avoid listening to your table mates, and if nothing works, start singing wordless gibberish.
  4. If you aren’t big on alcohol, fear not. You can turn a weakness into strength. Talk about how alcohol has absolutely no effect on you. For an even better effect, do this when you are at a pub, in a group that hasn’t invited you, but of course, you’ve still tagged along with. The assholes deserve it for their snootiness. Ask the waiter for a drink. But then quickly stop him, and ask him the percentage of alcohol in the drink. If he stands dumbly (as he most likely will), tell him that you need something with less than 20% alcohol in it (numbers make you look smart, even at the pub). The waiter will mostly bring beer. Drink it, then complain continuously about how terrible it tastes, and how you clearly can’t drink it, until everyone is fed up and someone agrees to drink the non-fizzy warm beer for you.
  5. This one is for the druggies. Talk incessantly about all the cool narcotics doing the rounds. Modafin for one. Talk about how you’ve already had two, and how it feels so good. You’ve actually gone an entire week on Modafin and nothing has happened to you (except a strange looseness of limbs, and an odd smile that won’t wipe away). Try to sell this sleep-deprivation idea to all the idiots around you, even mothers who’ve not slept for the past decade and are finally enjoying the shut-eye. Enough with it. Get down to work, y’all.
  6. At more intellectual circles, you will be faced with more talented bores around you. You need to up your skills. If someone makes a popular reference, trash it immediately. “Did you say Sheldon? Oh my god, Sheldon is so hopeless. Especially compared to <insert an obscure reference of choice, or feel free to make up one>” Nobody is going to recognize it anyway, except that other bore who wants to act equally smart. If that happens, you can share a nod, from one bore to another, on how you’ve so duped this oh-so-gullible crowd.
  7. Pass comments on what everyone has to say. Your two cents. If no one wants to hear it, add to it. Double it, Quardruple it. Make it 50 damn cents and make sure it is scattered in every few seconds. Two cents per minute. In fact, have no sense of conversational slice. Of course, people love the sound of your own voice. You need to keep entertaining these folks and showering them with your knowledge tidbits. How else will the sorry asses learn anything?
  8. Talk about the one bisexual polyamorous girl you dated from Tinder. Then two months later, you can then tell everyone what a sociopath she was,  because she no longer responds to your pings. This will grant you that precious sympathy air space.
  9. If someone else is asked a question, make sure you answer it. And if you don’t make it on time, you can always hijack the conversation and continue the thread. Because really, they are much better off just listening to you.
  10. Music – When you want a break from talking, you can entertain the world with your god-awesome music collection. Be surprised that people haven’t heard some song. Then play another. Repeat surprise. Continue until you establish that everyone else’s taste is crap, and you are doing the service of educating them. Tell them that since none of them have even listened to these musical goldies, perhaps they can should voice out how much they love your music. Some of these polite softies will hurriedly say Yes. But if they look blank and unappreciative, or dare to express that its “nothing special”, roll your eyes and play a few more in the same vein. Keep at it until they finally give up and relent that you have the greatest music collection ever (you can assume that the tears streaming out are of joy)
  11. Books – Learn all the titles and read up a few book summaries. Always carry around a few books that can be passed around. You can then discuss these books. Not to worry if you don’t have the time or interest to read it. You can always add your own creative bullshit into the content and pretend its all the same. That’s the great thing about books. Nobody really reads any of that shit. And if some book-reading loser happens to be on the table (rare chance, losers), you can always out-shout him into a terrified corner so that he dives right back into the safety of his book.
  12. Help a 40-year old someone cross a road. What? Forty is old, right? Wrap your hands around her sleeveless shoulders, and tell her how you’ll take care of everything, while she sashays on her heels across the dangerous terrain. Once done, ask her if she’s taken her medication, and if not, suggest Modafin.

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